BobboVB's Xanga

an epiphany...

Sun, 04 Feb 2007 00:09:08 GMT

it's late.

It's been a long day.

And you are walking home along a sidewalk you are quite familiar with.

The cold wind stings your face and all you want to do is put your head down and get home, where its warm.

To your left you hear someone singing. You look over only to see that there is a homeless person who seems to have made his bed over the steam vent between buildings. Most likely to stay warm.

For a second you are tempted to look past him, and leave him to his singing. Just write him off as one of those poor people just trying to entertain himself, and probably doing so by annoying those who pass by.

But on second glance you realize that this isn't just any homeless person, this is Paul. You've talked with him before, you've shaken his hand, you've looked into his eyes. He's your friend.

You walk over to him, shake his hand, and ask how he's doing.

You know that he's struggled with heroin and alcohol, but is in the process of trying to get clean. He has even told you that is why he is on this side of town as opposed to where he normally "resides"; to stay away from the temptation that comes with what is familiar. He says he's staying clean, but that its hard. You do your best to encourage him, try to identify with the struggle, but deep in your heart you know you can't. You have no idea what kind of life it is to live on the streets, let alone what it takes to do it sober.

But you do what you can. You buy him a cup of coffee and encourage him to keep warm

... and to keep singing.

As you walk away you don't seem to mind the sting of the cold as much as you once did, your mind plagued with a question...

You've heard a lot of talk of social justice, of the fact that Jesus loved the poor, and so should you. You've even volunteered some time to do your part. But for the first time in your life the label of the "Poor" fades from your mind and all you see is Paul, your friend, sleeping over the steam vent in between buildings to stay warm. And you are forced to ask yourself the question you never wanted to...

"What am I going to do about it?"

playoffs?

Tue, 02 Jan 2007 02:08:06 GMT

The Chiefs made the playoffs...how crazy is that?

in case you don't know, thats pretty crazy. Good news is I can't remember the last time we beat Indy in the playoffs.

oh and Tasha is the coolest person alive!!

too long...

Fri, 29 Dec 2006 17:58:12 GMT

I apologize for being gone so long. Sometimes its just hard to write, to really feel like your expressing anything worth saying. It's not that things haven't been happening, they have, and good things at that. I've just been unable to find the motivation to sit down and type it all out. I am back in MO at the moment. And really happy to be here. I hope the holiday season is being well to you all and may God bless you in this new year.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Thu, 12 Oct 2006 01:59:07 GMT

I know I should write something, but i have no idea what to say...

mixed feelings...

Wed, 27 Sep 2006 19:06:54 GMT

So i am on my way home. Well in a few short hours anyway. I must wake up tomorrow and be out the door by 4 am to catch my flight back to KC. I am really excited to be able to come back, though I do wish it could be under better circumstances. I just feel privilaged to be able to be around to support my friend. Thanks to Jake for that....seriously that kid amazes me.

Saturday, September 09, 2006

Sat, 09 Sep 2006 00:30:53 GMT

oh and if you haven't seen this yet...you should. I am stoked.

good times and great oldies...

Tue, 05 Sep 2006 17:44:49 GMT

So my dad turned 50 this past weekend. with my mom's help I was able to fly in and suprise him, it was awesome. I got in thursday and met up with him and the rest of the Chiefs gang to go tailgate the pre season game. He had no idea I was coming which was great in itself, but mom also planned it so about 30 of his closest friends in the KC area made it out for the party as well. Great fun was had by all, so much fun in fact that we never made it into the game. The rest of the weekend was an ongoing celebration that included friends, family, midnight cruises, and a hot air baloon ride. I had a ton of fun and it wasn't even my birthday.

To my friends in Missouir: Sorry that I was in good ol MO but unable to see any of you, we had a busy weekend and my stay was short.

To my friends in Boston: Thanks bunches for moving all my stuff into our new apartment and allowing me to make the trek back.

Opportunity to comment:

Let me know what you think when you watch this ...

frankly it frightens me...

ephesians 1:18-19

Wed, 23 Aug 2006 20:09:56 GMT

I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened, so that you will know what is the hope of His calling, what are the riches of the glory of His inheritance in the saints, and what is the surpassing greatness of His power toward us who believe.

Hope...

Fri, 11 Aug 2006 22:52:29 GMT

I've come to a conclusion about myself.

I think too much.

this may not be a suprise to many of you. It wasn't really a suprise to me. but what was a suprise was the result. How it played out in my life.

I've felt emotionally dead for a while now. I'm not sure if i can really pinpoint when it happened. I don't get excited, I don't get angry, i don't feel sorrow, i don't feel joy. I don't feel anything. At least i've learned to drown out what i feel for so long that i am not sure whats there anymore. I could probably tell you the last time I felt sorrow, and I could probably even tell you the last time I was truly excited, but it hasn't been for a long while now.

This was part of why i chose to fast last week, becasue I no longer "felt" God. Does that mean God wasn't there? no. does it mean that I was far from Him? no. It means that I had lost what it was to experience God. I could analyze my faith, rationalize it even...to a degree. And i think thats good and important, but if there is no experience there, it can get frustrating. I don't think faith is a feeling, nor do I think faith is a logical decision based on what we can rationalize in our mind. I think its a mixture of both. We can see God everywhere, the way the world works is an insight into the nature of God, our own desires and hopes and dreams are avenues in which to study how we bear the image of our Creator. Scripture allows us to see how God has revealed himself through time. But if all we have are those, then we can learn a lot about God. But we don't know God. To know God is to allow ourselves to be swallowed up by God. To actually spend time with God, not just learning about Him.

Since fasting I have felt something, something I haven't felt in a long time. At first I wasn't sure what it was. The fact it was anything was exciting enough for me. But the more I meditated, the more I approached God the clearer it became. it was Hope.

Hope is something that has eluded me, though I did not know it. I thought I had hope, I hoped in God, in Jesus, or at least said I did. But it has come to my attention that I had no idea what Hope is.

Hope is a decision to expect something that may not happen. To hope in God is to trust and expect that there is a Truth to this world, that there is method to the maddness and that there is an entity that Loves us so much it would do whatever it took for us to know it. these are hard things to hope in. Because all around us we see death, and pain, and corruption. Things don't go as we plan, things don't happen as though we feel they should. The good guys don't always win. So we learn to abandon hope, because it hurts to hope in the midsts of doubt. Its much easier to accept that there is no purpose, because then it doesn't hurt so bad when things go wrong...because thats what we expected to happen.

I think thats where I've been for a while. I've learned to quit expecting good things to happen. I've learned to quit expecting great things from myself. I've learned to quit expecting God to show up. Its been happening slowly, over time. When my brother passed away my life was filled with pain, it seemed to drown out everything else. Since then I've watched friends and family hurt because of this part of life we call death. Things that shouldn't happen do, and it hurts. So i've learned to no longer hope in happiness, because it'll never last. It didn't take too many times for me to fall for a girl who didn't fall for me (or to tell a girl who had fallen for me that I hadn't) to lose hope in love. And all of the disappointments in life made me lose hope in God, but I never knew it. You see God promises His children certain things. Joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control, the fruits of the Spirit. He tells us that all things will work for the good of those who love Him, and are called according to His purpose. He promises to give us the desires of our hearts. And as I learned to lose hope in those things, the promises God had made me, it resulted in losing my hope in Him.

But here is the Good News. I am learning to Hope again. To hope in a God that has my best interest in mind is a dangerous thing. Because there will be times when bad things happen, and I won't be able to see how this is supposed to help me. There will be pain, and sorrow, and disspointment. But those are the cost it takes to have the peace, joy, and fullfilment that God promises. For a long time I wasn't sure it was worth it, but now I am. I choose to expect God to keep His promises. It is not a choice I make simply because it makes sense, nor is it a choice based exclusively on my experiences, for one or the other would leave me hopeless. It is a choice I make because God has called me to it, He has held me in His hands and whispered in my ear. And that whisper is echoed throughout all I see and do and think and hear. Our God is not always rational, nor is He always above reason.

I expect Joy.

I expect Love.

I expect great things for my life.

Does that mean they will all happen? Maybe not, but...

I hope.

oh what a great start to this week...

Tue, 08 Aug 2006 01:52:17 GMT

a little story for you. I was scheduled to open the store today, which means i need to be there at 6:00 AM. Pretty early. So last night I set my alarm for 5:10, I gotta leave by 5:30, but I took a shower the night before so I could sleep in a bit. Anyway I slept pretty well, and when I rolled over to look at my alarm clock (to see how much time I had left to sleep). Well when my eyes adjusted enough to see the clock i realized it was 6:35, a half hour after I was supposed to be at work, and 5 minutes after the store was supposed to be open. So I jumped out of bed and hurried out the door and arrived at work only an hour after I was supposed to be there...leaving the other person to open the store all by their lonesome. Oh what a joyous start to this week.

but enough about this week lets talk about last week.

Thank you all for your prayers last week. My fast went well, I feel as though my heart is softer than it has been in a long time. I had a great conversation with a co-worker. So yeah, good stuff. Please continue to pray as I continue to strive for discipline within my life.